Lost Toupee/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots, glass shatters ] harold: Okay, you can just start the camera move when you hear my voice. Unless it's already started. Oh, it has! It's started! Oh, should we start this again? What? Okay, we'll just cut this part, then, right? Okay, okay, okay, we'll do that. You can look far and wide -- I don't care where you look -- but you're not gonna find anyone better to host this show than my uncle, red green, because his name happens to be red green, which is the name of the show, and he's perfect for the job because of his name's the same. Here he is -- red green! Thank you very much. Welcome to the show, and thanks for the opportunity to make your day. I'd like to introduce my producer/director and also my nephew, harold. Harold, come on over here. Harold also does many of the varied electronic-video type effects on the show. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a! Like that. Sorry. He couldn't get a job at cable tv. We had a heck of a time up at the lodge last night. Old man sedgwick decided he was gonna wash his hair. Or rather, he wanted us to wash it for him while he went down to the bingo in a borrowed hat. So he just left the toupee sitting by the front door wrapped around a shampoo bottle. Nobody would touch it. Uncle red, how long is this story? Like, in human years. Oh, the story doesn't concern you, harold. No, no, but the duration does, 'cause our viewers live in a fast-paced world, and they demand fast-paced television. Such as? Such as going to the next segment, like this. You'll thank me later. No, I won't. I was talking to the viewers. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ bacon drippings, bacon drippings ♪ ♪ bacon drippings, bacon ♪ ♪ if you want to call a song "bacon drippings" ♪ ♪ I'm sorry -- it's been taken ♪ ♪ ohhh ♪ excellent. That went better than I'd hoped. Red: This week in "handyman corner," we're going to show you how to make your very own adjustable bed. You know, they say that you spend about a third of your life asleep, even more if you're in school. So it's important that you have a comfortable bed that fits right to your own contours, no matter what size your contours are. So I'm gonna show you how to save yourself a lot of money and make your own adjustable bed. What you need, first of all, is a couple of pieces of 1/2-inch or 5/8-inch plywood. This is some scrap lumber that I found. Now, what you want to do is create a hinge between the two halves, and you do that using the handyman's secret weapon... Duct tape. All right, well, you can see here, I'm just finishing up the taping for my hinge. I have this end of the bed supported by my collectibles, and on this end, I have three car jacks. Three jacks beats two pair. Now what I do is I just throw my mattress on there. And, uh... I have myself, uh... A homemade adjustable bed. Ahh. You want to talk about comfort. Well, if that isn't comfort, I don't know what is. I can't feel any part of my back now, a lot of it is due to this bed. So there you have it. That's the trick. Nothing really particular or fancy about it, but it works great. So, until next time, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. We'll be right back, 'cause I know you want to find out what happened to the toupee. We can't limit ourselves to what uncle red knows. We got a whole half-hour to fill. You know, harold, we got talking the other night, a bunch of us, you know, about who we thought the sexiest woman alive was. [ laughs ] you think this way sometimes, don't you? Sometimes? Most of the time. Yeah? Really, eh? Who did you say? Well, doris day. Oh, she is. She's very sexy. You ever see her in "pillow talk"? Yes, with rock hudson. Rock hudson. And tony randall. Really? Yes. In "pillow talk." and then she drove some convertible into a swimming pool one time. Oh. Oh, that was the one with james garner. You got it mixed up. You think -- who's your -- doris day. Doris day. Still her. Who do you think? Carol o'connor. That's a guy. Um, carol channing. Carol channing. That's a guy, too. Oh. Um... Lynn swann? "it is winter. "on the front lawn, a big, round, white figure. "his nose is a carrot. His eyes black coal. "his mouth is a potato. His ears are sticks. We have the world's ugliest postman." well, anyway, the bunch of us are sitting around, staring at old man sedgwick's toupee like it was a muskrat that had gone through the lawnmower. He was expecting us to wash it, but nobody was volunteering, mainly because we couldn't remember old man sedgwick ever washing the toupee, so the disease potential was way up there. And it didn't help when buster hadfield said he saw it move. But we couldn't just leave it lying on the porch, because the wood was starting to stain. Uncle red, yeah, like, what? So finally, somebody washed it, or nobody ever washed it, and life went back to normal the way it was before the incident ever occurred. Wa-a-a, right? Thanks for sharing that great story with us. Maybe I'll be just be waiting for that one to hit the big screen. [ laughs ] can we just get on with the next segment, in our humble way of trying to save the show? So, finally, stinky peterson figured out how to wash the darn thing... The viewers are gone, uncle red. They're watching the next segment. But they'll be back. They think the story's over. Gord: Hello? Oh, hello! Mr. Green! This is such a surprise. Please, please, come in, and welcome. Well, thank you, ranger gord. This is kind of important work that you do up here, looking after our forests, and we just like to drop by, show our appreciation. Well, thank you. That's very touching. Yeah, yeah. Please excuse the mess. No, no, that's fine. I notice you call me mr. Green. You don't have to do that. Just call me red. It'll be fine. Oh. Thank you. Red. I feel we're becoming very close friends. I like that. It's warming. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. So, gord, how has the forest- ranger business been lately? Well, there's a lot of staring into the woods with this job. Yeah, yeah. That's always hectic. And it's a lot of responsibility. Yeah, yeah, I suppose it is. You could just look away for a split second and miss a forest fire, huh? That's right. Oh, absolutely, yeah. A split second. [ clears throat ] well, maybe not a split second, you know? Maybe that would be a flash fire. Flash fire. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And one of my other problems is that when I fall asleep, I'll use my video camera here at night, so I'll tape the woods, and then I can play it back again the next day. Oh, so you've been up here a while, then. Oh, yeah, yeah. I've been up here now for, uh... [ sobbing ] I've been up here for 12 years. Oh, my. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It hasn't been easy, you know? No, no, no. The last time I went anywhere was 12 years ago. Oh, my god. Yeah. That was to a kc & the sunshine band concert. Oh, my. I love kc & the sunshine band. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. How's their career been doing? Oh, about the same as yours, really. Oh, great. ♪ 'cause that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it ♪ ♪ uh-huh, uh-huh ♪ ♪ that's the way... ♪ sorry, ranger gord, but it's getting on in time. We got to get going. But thanks a lot for -- why? Why? You just got here. No, no, we just got -- well, I got to move on. No, no, come on, please. Don't go so fast. No, no, gord, gord... [ voice breaking ] don't. I made sandwiches! I-I made finger sandwiches. Maybe we can drop by another time, eh? We'll have the sandwiches then. Okay. Great. You're coming back, then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. Yeah. What about tomorrow at 2:15? 'cause the sandwiches will keep, I think. Uh, well, I -- we could try. Don't want to make any promises. Great. Okay. I'll see you tomorrow, then. No, no, I said we'll try. Done. [ spoons and guitar playing ] you can join in this one. Oh, excellent. ♪ don't marry a woman with stuff between her teeth ♪ ♪ her teeth ♪ ♪ make sure she flosses above and beneath ♪ ♪ up and down ♪ ♪ regular brushing is the only good way ♪ ♪ you don't want to see what she's eaten that day ♪ ♪ not for me, thank you ♪ ♪ 'cause whenever she smiles, it's like a buffet ♪ ♪ don't marry a woman ♪ ♪ with stuff between her te-e-e-e-eth ♪ [ laughs ] excellent, uncle red. That's excellent. I just took the letters out of the mailbag. I was gonna read them out loud, and you walk in to answer them. That's excellent. This is working really well. This is fantastic. This is a very well-produced program. I just want to say that up front, 'cause I truly believe that. Wa-a-a! Letter number one. "dear red green --" that's excellent. They used your name and everything. "my wife and I have been married for 29 years. "our sex life was great for a long time, "but for the past 28 years, it's been heavy slogging. What do you recommend to revitalize our love life?" well, harold, a situation like this, I kind of recommend that they use what we call fantasies, where the husband and the wife pretend that they're different people. Preferably, people with a better love life. For example, now, he could pretend that he's a knight in shining armor, and she could be the milkmaid. Oh, or, like, he could be the parcel-toting mailman, and she could be the startled sunbather. Or you know what's another good one? He's the pizza delivery boy, and she's the divorcee who lost her coupons. Or, if they find that getting repetitive, they could kind of mix and match. He could be the pizza mailman in shining armor, and she could be the startled milkmaid who lost her coupon. A lot of people say that this is like cheating, but it's not. It's a lot safer. Yeah. Another suggestion is that you might want to try, like, silk underthings or peekaboo nightgowns. Yeah. And if that doesn't work, then he could get his wife to wear those. That's true. Okay. I've got another letter, uncle red. "dear red -- first, do you believe, as einstein said, "that god does not play dice with the universe "and that all reality is ultimately knowable, "or does heisenberg's uncertainty principle "and the quark theory prove "that there are intrinsic physical limits to resolution "that prove free will exists and precludes determinism? "my second question is, "when you went trout fishing on your last show, "what kind of lure did you use?" signed, arthur. All right, harold. I'd like to answer the second question first, if I may. We used a mepps crazy spooner on a metal leader with about a 25-pound test line, I guess it was. The crazy spooner is really the excellent lure for trout, because it shows up so well in the fast-moving water. That lure was given to me, interestingly enough, by a female arm-wrestler at a bar in the yukon. It was new year's eve 1959 during a boiled-egg-eating contest. I was losing the contest real bad, and then she just kind of dropped the lure into my shorts there and gave me a wedgie. And I gasped so hard, I sucked in about nine more eggs and won the contest, winning first prize, which was a stuffed muskrat. And I believe that answers the first question. [ film projector clicking ] red: This week, on "adventures with bill," bill wanted to show you -- oh, there's bill now. Yeah, yeah. He wanted to show you how to build a shelter using a parachute. That's a parachute. I don't think he paid full retail for that one. Now, the first job is to get the parachute to open. So he's gonna go up the ladder there. And he has a lot of fun and -- look out, bill. Oh. Maybe that was a bad spot for the ladder, you know, in hindsight. Now we've got another spot. He's gonna -- he's hoping that the chute will open just in this... It didn't work real well, you know. So now he's -- he asked me if I would sort of, what we call a manual disenfoldment technique. It's a military kind of a move. And, boy, there's a lot of material in those. They're like moose thompson's pants. A windy day. I don't think, you know, in retrospect, I wouldn't have tried to do this on such a high windy... But then, bill, he said, "no, no, this is a perfect..." oh, see, there's... Well, I didn't want to argue with him. He had the hook there hanging from his belt, and I didn't notice this either, but this... I didn't know if it was part of the plan or what. And then, well, the wind took and -- now, at this point, I'm thinking, you know, what exactly is bill's plan? Aah! To the average person, that would look like he might have been out of control. It's so darn hard to tell with bill, you know? Instead of a shelter, this was more of a mobile home at this point that he was encountering. Yeah, he was getting quite a ways away. Look out, look out, look out, look out! [ grunts ] uh... Now, here, this part of the plan, I'm just saying to myself, "bill..." ow! Ohhh. "is this really necessary?" aah! But I guess he was just picking the right spot to build the shelter, because he eventually brought her to a halt and finally found a spot that I guess more suited his liking. Ahh. And don't worry about him. He's fine. "it is winter. "my car is safely nestled in a ditch. "I stand behind it and warm my face in the exhaust. It feels good, but it makes lunch taste funny." [ clears throat ] at this point in the show, I step out of the limelight and kind of bring in a lemon. Um, okay. All right. Celebrity profiles. Okay? Um, this is a magazine that teenagers read, and it's got, like, celebrity profiles in it. But they haven't got around to me yet. That's weird, eh? The reason I figure is 'cause they have no idea who I am. Which will certainly delay things, you know, understandably. But rather than wait for them to come to me, I've decided to do my own celebrity profile today. Wa-a-a! Okay. All righty, here we go. Full name -- harold dortman spooner mepps green. Cool, eh? Age -- 18. Oh, no. Um, 17. 18? What -- what month is this? Thursday? 19. I'm 19. Okay, major turn-ons. Fast women in loose clothes. And nintendo. Wa-a-a! Major turn-offs -- um...Let's see. People with tans, getting beaten up, insincerity, and, I guess, thermonuclear war would be pretty turn-off-ish. Okay. Um, favorite color. Wa-a-a! Dark chocolate brown, for sure. Yeah, that's so cool. [ chuckles ] favorite food -- dark brown chocolate. Oh! Oh! Oh! That was cool! See that? Two things that match! That was so cool -- I didn't even plan that or nothing. It just -- that was cool. What a moment we shared. Okay. Last book read -- "gravity's rainbow," by... By thomas pynchon. No, no, no. You know what it was? It was the instructions to my digital-watch nintendo game. That was hard, too. And proudest accomplishment? Hmm. Oh, well, that's easy. Producing this show. No! No! Understanding the instructions to my digital-watch nintendo game. Yeah, for sure. I know we have some teenagers watching tonight, 'cause maybe the cable's on the fritz and this is the only channel you can get. But I want to take this opportunity to talk to you young people about the idea of leaving home. I know there's a lot of appeal in the idea of having your own place where your parents can't hassle you about where you got all those stereos, where you can have some privacy to plan bank robberies or maybe have divorcées up on p.D. Days. Before you go moving out, I want you to think about how much it must be costing your parents to have you live at home, and how miserable it's making their lives to have you there, and it all kind of works out, doesn't it? Another you should remember is, as your parents get older, they start losing it. And eventually, they end up willing everything to the kid who stayed home the longest. [ clears throat ] make sure it's you. I'm sure a lot of you want to find out about the toupee, and I won't disappoint you. Yes, he will. I'm gonna finish the story, harold. I know. Harold, you know, you can do whatever you want when it comes to getting yourself a car or anything else, really. It's none of my business, eh? Right. But I would advise you not to buy anything new. Go used. Well, no, if it's used, that means it's so old. No, it's not old. What they've done is they've found the problems and they've fixed them so you don't have to pay for that. Well, what if they didn't fix them? Maybe they only found them and left them there hidden for you. Well, you're gonna get that with a new. Well, that's true. That's what they say when you buy a lemon. You buy a lemon, and you get the squeeze. [ laughs ] and the pits. Oh, that's good. That's good. And then the rind. Oh, no. No, you'd have to drive to germany for that. We're up here at jimmy mcveigh's place to see how he's doing with his boat restoration. He's not home yet. He works at the post office, kind of finances the boat thing... Oh, here he is right now. Hey, jim, how are you doing? What do you want? How's it going today? Huh? If you're another one of them boys that are here to complain about not getting your letters, you can talk to the supervisor. No, jim, jim, it's me. Oh, how you doing, red? Doin' fine. I thought you were one of them demented nitpickers that are always complaining if they don't get every single bloody issue of -- no, no, no, no. I just wanted to see how you're doing on the boat. 'cause you've been working on this baby for a while, haven't you? I have indeed. Mind you, it has been a labor of love. Six and a half years of it. Six and a half years. But now I'm putting on a big push. I am hoping to finish her by this weekend. Really? What do you have left to do on that? There's not too much left when you think about it. Really? No. The windshield here. And the flagpole. I don't see an engine back here. Bit of the engine and the hull and the cabin. Yeah, yeah. What is this here? This is what you -- this is known as... Gee, there's a few letters on the bottom of this here. Something for me? This here is known as tinted lexan. Lexan. This stuff here, they say, is stronger than steel. For god's sake. It's absolutely impossible to cut. Really? I mean, geez, I had a hell of a job getting this, let me tell you. Yeah? Where'd you get it? I finally had to kick it out of a phone box. You took this out of a phone booth? I did indeed, yes. I mean, I phoned up the phone company. See, red, I phoned them up, fair enough, and I asked them, "where do you get all that strong glass you put in the phone boxes?" and would they tell me? [ chuckles ] not bloody likely. Oh, god. So what else could I -- what else could I do? I had to kick the bloody thing out. That's larceny. No, it's lexan. I mean, I figured I didn't steal this stuff. No? No, I earned it. I mean, you try cutting this stuff here out of a phone box with cops up and down the road every 10 minutes. This is gonna be one side of the windshield. That just should do about perfect. You know, the only problem is now I'm gonna need another bit for the other side. You gonna get some more lexan? There's a phone box about a mile down the road. I'm gonna go down and get another bit for the windshield. Oh, I wanted to talk to you about the boat. I'll tell you what, red. Come here. You wait here till I come back again with the other windshield, and here. Look. I'll tell you what I'll do. You have a read at some of them. It'll keep you occupied till I get back, right? All right. So anyway, uh, stinky peterson managed to get old man sedgwick's toupee washed. He picked it up with a pair of barbecue tongs, dropped it into a minnow pail, and then he hooked it onto the anchor of the aluminum boat and towed it around the lake for an hour and a half or so. But then when he pulled the minnow pail back in, the toupee was gone. And old man sedgwick was pretty mad, because by now, he was getting terminal hat head. But we have a lead on the hairpiece. 'cause we heard that a guy up the lake caught a bass that looked exactly like howard cosell. Except it was a smallmouth. So, if my wife is watching, I'm gonna come straight home after the show. And I'll be picking up a dozen doughnuts, and if the traffic's not too bad, there may be one left for you. So, until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice.